10 Tips for Keeping Relationships Strong Through Cancer

Living with cancer is one of the most difficult things a person can face in their lives. Not only do cancer patients battle disease and the side effects of treatment, cancer can also test relationships.

Michael Uhl, MA, MDiv, LMFT, Mind-Body Therapist at Illinois Hospital, believes relationships can hold up to cancer treatment with the right strategies. “There’s a great story to tell here. From what I’ve seen, when a relationship member has been diagnosed with cancer, the chances of a couple staying together are high, if the couple is willing to work together,” says Uhl. “A moment of crisis in a relationship or marriage is like heat from a welding torch. You can use the heat to cut a piece of metal or join two pieces.”

10 tips

To help couples bond, Uhl offers the following 10 tips:

Keep communication open . Communication doesn’t always mean that you both have to agree, it means reaching a mutual understanding. Honesty and transparency are two tools for promoting closeness. I like to think of communication as a means, but mutual understanding is destiny.

Trust the skills developed. Most couples don’t realize they already have the tools to deal with cancer based on past crises. Remembering how they have gone through difficult situations in the past can help the couple develop coping strategies in the current situation.

Leave space for “timeout”. Cancer can cause feelings of anger and depression. Allow your partner to feel your feelings and be comfortable if you want to spend some time alone. The ultimate goal is to fight cancer, not fight each other.

Stay alone. Intimacy does not necessarily mean sex. In fact, the side effects of cancer treatment often make sex uncomfortable. Alternatively, intimacy means spending time together: holding hands, reading together, talking, etc.

Find time to do the things you love. Make time to play and have fun together: fishing, going to the movies, playing board games, or even watching sports on TV.

Strengthen your support network. When a couple is diagnosed with cancer, the caregiver is assigned additional responsibilities. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends and family for help, and give your partner a chance to take a break and deal with their feelings.

Find other couples in a similar situation. These couples, who are often in support groups, are more likely to understand what you’re going through. Don’t be afraid to seek advice and suggestions from others, and share what you’ve found working in your relationship, recognizing that each couple’s experience is unique.

Hold each other accountable. Cancer often causes stress, and stress can damage the immune system. Remind each other to participate in healthy activities to stay flexible: get enough rest, eat nutritious meals, and exercise.

Don’t blame each other. Many people blame themselves or their loved ones for having cancer, being too stressed, working too hard, or smoking. Keep in mind that there are many factors that contribute to cancer, not just one.

Talk to a therapist. Talking to an unbiased therapist who has experience with other cancer patients can help couples express their feelings, emphasize that the feelings they are experiencing are normal, and help provide helpful coping aids.

By incorporating these strategies into their relationships, couples may be better able to stay strong and regain hope in the face of cancer. To help couples navigate their cancer journey, our hospitals also offer stress reduction services for patients and their loved ones, including individual, couples and family counseling, guided imagery, relaxation and support groups.

Get more advice on caring for a loved one who has cancer.