Like many parents, ‘  consequences’ is one of my buzzwords. I use it before Emmett misbehaves. I use it while Emmett misbehaves. I use it after Emmett misbehaves. I use it with boring regularity trying to make him understand that some action It has negative consequences and that these results cannot be magically eliminated with a wave of the hand.  ” — Lynn Messina

While I appreciate the candor of Lynne Messina in “Teaching and Learning the Meaning of Consequences” on the  New York Times  Motherlode blog  , I am troubled by her misleading (albeit very common) interpretations and uses of “consequences.” She mistakenly believes that her children need to be fed forced lessons on morals and ethics rather than trusting them to organically internalize her values ​​as she patiently guides them toward appropriate behaviour.

During the article, Messina admits to the nagging feeling that she is a hypocrite, that her strategies are counterproductive and that her messages are muddled. She worries that  “I’m teaching my son another lesson: how to handle grudges.” No doubt she is right. The answer to her dilemma may lie in one simple fact: the attitudes and behaviors that parents always introduce (always  and always  ) you excel at the lessons we aim to teach.

When navigating a field of parenting as complex as discipline, it can help to routinely check ourselves with an important question: What are Our ultimate parental goals?

If our primary goal is a lasting bond with our children, then repeat phrases like “make him understand,” “cock this concept into his head,” and even “  get  him to do such and such” are clear signs we’ve derailed. Starting from where the manipulation is is not a good strategy. It will constantly undermine us, as it creates a “us against them” relationship with our children rather than the positive partnership that children need to actively guide.

Although consequences play a meaningful role in respectful discipline (which I explain below), consequences do not work when:

It’s just a euphemism for sanctions

Punishments can sometimes deter unwanted behavior, although often parents find that punishments lead to more punishments. Sanctions are insufficient teachers because they do not teach or provide  positive behavior  .

It can also have unfortunate and unintended consequences. Punishments cause children to internalize shame and anger, and create distance, isolation, and mistrust. Severe or physical punishments can create fear, anger, helplessness, and despair.

Messina’s example:  “He goes to bed poorly; he loses his motorbike  .” And so her guilt cycle begins. She continues,  “Putting a sentence hours and sometimes days after a crime seems trivial. The anger is gone, the house is quiet, Emmett and I get along beautifully, and then, like an injured party treating an old wound, I turn it back with a simple refusal: No, you can’t take your scooter Bey. No, you can’t go to the park.”

Psychologist Paul Bloom’s remarkable studies on children and morals show that even young children have a basic understanding of justice. The respectable outcome would be fair to our children (which does not mean that they would not object to it, they would probably do so, and the ‘disagreement’ should be accepted and acknowledged). When our children feel honesty and fairness, the trust between us remains the same, and often even strengthens.

Sanctions seem trivial because they are. Is this an aspect of our personality that we want our children to emulate?

It has nothing to do with the situation and/or is given long after the fact  .

See the scooter example above. One of the many inspiring things that children do is live in the moment. They have moved on   . And the younger the child, the faster he forgets about it completely and cannot connect his actions with his results. So when we set boundaries about anything with our kids, we need to do it right away and move on too, without thinking, anger or grudge.

With a little thought, we could have avoided or prevented the situation by creating a boundary or setting a limit

Two-year-old Luca, still wobbling on the legs of an uncertain little boy, calls himself his 5-year-old brother, who tore up his modern Lego masterpiece (four bedrooms, rooftop terrace, towering staircase to nowhere) for a few hours from before with a delightful desertion.

Emmett turns away and scolds him for his ardent affection. “No, Luca,” he said, “you’re still facing consequences.”


Older children need to be able to protect their projects (on a high table, for example) from infants and toddlers, who are interested in exploration and testing. It is unfair for any of the children to allow parents such an incident to happen if it could be prevented.

They include forced apologies or other incorrect gestures

“Immediately, I stepped in to remind him that he had already accepted Luca’s apology. I tell him that it is not appropriate to make someone feel bad after you have forgiven them.” There are a lot of emotions being manipulated here. It looks cumbersome.

Forced apology, forgiveness or any other feeling teaches children many unproductive things: do not trust your true feelings; pretending to please adults; Use “I’m sorry” as an excuse; Be fake, etc.

Consequences are effective, respectful, and relationship building when they:

1.  Rational, reasonable and age-appropriate choices

“I can’t let you throw these blocks towards the window… You have a hard time not throwing blocks. You can throw them towards the rug or into the basket or I’ll need to put them away for now… Thanks for telling me you need help. I’ll put the blocks away” .

2.  She says kindly and confidently (rather than threatening), then we let her go and move on  .

For most of us, this means that we have  to set the limit early  , before we get too upset or angry.

3.  Besides acknowledgments from our child’s point of view and feelings (no matter how plausible they may appear).

“I wanted to stay in the park, but you had a hard time not hitting your friends, so you said we had to go. I hear how upset you are.”

4.  Consistent, predictable responses, elements of routine that our child recognizes

“Are you done eating? You’re standing up and that tells me you’re done. Well, you sit back for more, please don’t get up until you’re done. Oh, I’m up now again, so I’m going to put the food away. Thank you for telling me you’re done. … You’re upset that I laid Food away. You don’t want me to do that. I understand. We’ll eat again soon.”

5.  A true expression of our personal limits

Here is where I disagree with some of my fellow advocates of gentle discipline…

A mother from one of my classes (who couldn’t be a more respectful, caring, wonderful mother) attended a lecture given by a famously cute parenting counselor as part of her book tour. This mom’s biggest challenge is setting boundaries with confidence. She is especially prone to self-doubt and guilt if the situation is about her personal boundaries or isn’t as obvious as a safety issue.

I asked the counselor about an experience she had while taking her six-year-old daughter to a friend’s house for a play date. Her daughter was upset by her little brother and did not stop screaming. The mother patiently tried to ask her to stop several times, but she continued. The mother was at the end of her rope. I asked this counselor if it was okay for her to tell her daughter that if she couldn’t stop screaming, they would turn the car around and go home. The counselor’s answer was no, because that was a consequence imposed by the parents.

I’m not going to lie – hearing that drove me half crazy. Here is a mom who especially needs support to set boundaries and stick to herself and is instead reprimanded for suggesting it.

Ironically, this counselor specializes in helping parents stop yelling, yet he’s missed an important piece of the yelling puzzle: Parents need all the encouragement in the world to take care of themselves, calmly, honest, fair, and confident, so they don’t. Don’t go off on their kids. They need permission to turn over the car, prevent their children from taking messy art supplies before they help remove previous art supplies, and not go to the park when their child refuses to wear:

“You said you wanted to go to the park today, but we won’t have enough time unless you can get dressed. May I help you?” Or, “I’m really tired, so please help me brush your teeth if you’d like a second book.” Or, “I see you’re very disappointed about missing a play date, but you won’t stop screaming and I honestly couldn’t stand it anymore.”

The primary difference between consequences and penalties is our honest and sincere participation. We can’t be cute parents without caring about our personal boundaries… and the consequences of that kind of modeling are all good.